diary

Dec 10th

 

So today Joey went to work with his dad. I guess it was a little better. Hopefully I can get his sleep times back on track. I been applying everywhere also here in Lebanon TN. I need money so that I can get the stuff I need.

I also applied for food stamps too so I can get food for the household. I had the phone call meeting today at 2pm too but he didn't call till 2:40pm. I'm praying I get these. I've been applying for jobs on the internet.

I really need the money. I want to be able to support me and Joey again. I want us to have a car and pay our way around. I love this man a ton. All I want is for him to be happy with me and I also want him to get his head out of his ass. I want my Joey I fell so mad for back.

A girl can only pray that things get back on track for her like before.

Dec 9th

Long day cut short... Joey stayed up all night again and I wake up to him in the bathroom with his cell phone saying he was taken a shit. I don't know what to believe anymore because to be honest he has lied to me multiple times.

My stupid ass loves him so much though. I am temped to try and get on the Divorce court before the vows... because to be honest I need professional help. I want to know if this thing Joey and I is worth fighting for in the end.

To be honest I am just a lost girl in this world right now with everything that is going on. I been smoking more now yet again because of all the stress involved with it all. He's just not the man I fell in love with almost 2years ago.

Awhile ago he told me "I don't know if I still love you anymore" which broke me. He dated another chick and slept with her when we took a break and thought it was fine but when I tried to move on he called me at 3am when I was asked out and went to spend a few weeks in another state with the guy at his house.

Joey flipped on me that morning and acted as though all his choices were okay but if I did them then I was wrong. I just don't know anymore if this is worth fighting for anymore... and as time passes I am seeing more of the bull shit that has been happening. I am really stressed and I am not to be stressed for my health wise. I just don't know anymore... and I barely can't feel anything anymore either... I'm lost. Weird... I never felt this way before.

Diary 2

Dec 8th 2014

 

Today is a little better but then again time will only tell what is to happen. I love this man with all my heart so I pray things get better between us. This is the man I want to marry and have my children with.

I mean I have gone above and beyond for him. I just hope he goes back to the Joey I feel in love with. Things have changed massively since he got his workers comp and we had people move in with us in Tomah. That's when shit hit the fan.

I mean that is the time Joey started cheating on me and I guess in terms using me. It hurts because he is acting like it never happened and when I bring it up he brushes it away like no big deal. I have told him how much it has hurt me and its been on going still.

He did call me names and started to treat me like I was a piece of shit to him. That was a clue when it all started he found someone else because it showed he no longer cared for me at all. I could tell in the way he looked at me and by the way he spoke to me.

You know when you love someone so much that you blow away all the negative that is a part of them out the window and act as nothing has happened and continue on with life? I do that because I truly do love this man beyond anything else.

Diary post 1

Dec 6th 2014

 

You know I thought that things between Joey and I would at least get a little better... but he is starting back to his normal ways. I have told him how I feel on the cheating with talking dirty and sending pictures with other girls. All of whom are younger then me. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Joey goes on like it is all about him. I love this man to death but Jesus Christ. I am going to make a promise with myself and I will give him a months time to get his head out of his ass. If he doesn't change I am going to go back to Wisconsin.

I am just lost in a lot of shit right now and my mind is going crazy. I think I am just really stupid to think even in the beginning that someone like him would ever love me. I am a nobody who doesn't deserve anyone in my life.

I love it here in Tennessee but the way things are going now I don't know now for sure. I will fight to be with Joey but if he don't want me there is not a whole lot I can do.

　

Starting a Family?

Good afternoon everyone,
I apologize that I have not been on in a really long time... so I think an update is needed:)

Well now up to this date... I'm engaged to the man of my dreams and we are trying to start a family here in Tennessee where we now currently live to start our new life's together. I will post updates in other blogs along with the dates that I wrote them in my Diary.

Life...

            It's been a long time since I was last on here. There is so much drama going on in this world that everyone thinks is the reason they need to end their life. I get upset when I see things like that because they have no reason for the things they want to do. I got yelled at for telling someone on facebook to calm down... apparently I don't know anything about pain or any of that... I swear people stop turning everything into O-M-G my life is gonna end now because I lost someone that cheated on me and hurt me but I need to be with them. People grow up, grow a pair and then get over the bridge. Life is a bitch... Yes I know but really get over the past.
           I get judged for being honest with people because I know how life is... I been in hell since I was 8 years old and I have wanted to end it so many of times. I haven't done it because I know I will hurt others if I do.... I would hurt many if I leave this world before they do.Life is a gift not a debt... some people can't see that. I have lost 8 friends, divorced parents, raising my 2 little brothers, raped for two weeks straight, kicked out, and that is only an 8th of it. You people don't see how good you got it... its a smack in the face to me when I read or hear that crap... your life doesn't suck that bad for that much drama. Cause trust me it could get worse then that... I know.I am not trying to hurt anyone by this but really people? Come on.... 
          This stuff is old and I am not saying I don't feel bad and pity you but people do this for attention and that is what makes me upset. You guys think life is bad and just the worst thing ever... remember someone always has it worse then you do. Death happens... you live and you die.... that is life. Life is a game of poker... it gives you the cards in order to win the game... it is your choice on how to play those cards in order to win that game.
          Life is a crazy ride and you need to hold on. Most of my friends think of me as their counselor to speak to about their crazy life. I want to help them and anyone who needs it. If that is all one person does is dwell on the past then I have to leave and give up. I don't like to give up. My best friend just lost his girlfriend (who was also pregnant with his child) of a drug over dose, his son (who had cancer) and his grandma. His past sucks as well but for his family and friends he stays strong and moves on from the past. There are times he will break down and cry and I am there for him. My friends are family to me... and that is what keeps me going everyday.
    

Goals can be Accomplished

I try to keep my goals in life the first concern for me. My teacher for personal finance told us that if we can dream it and do it we can accomplish it. Life is hard... trust me I know. I used to be an outcast and failed at every thing. This year I made my goals to pass everything and gain my parents trust back. Finals are now here and I got 3 A+'s and one B on them. I got three more finals to do... all my grades are way up and I plan to keep them there. People wonder how I can do high school, college and a job and still get sleep and good grades. I tell them I made myself goals to pass everything and I made myself a mental notes and pointers...
1. do the assignment as soon as it is assigned
2. don't wait until the last minute to do the work
3. set a bed time to go to sleep every night
4. have your job work with your life and not control your life... like a part time job
5. if you don't understand something ask.... is does not hurt to ask.
6. when bored and nothing to do.... study and not play video games
7. get the work you missed
8. find something that will help you to concentrate better. (example: listening to music while working)
9. see if you can get homework or projects early if you know you wont be there or busy
10. talk with your teachers to help you figure out how they can help you when you need it.
11. always plan ahead
12. take online classes when you know you have a crazy life style going as in high school and work so you can do it on your time.
13. school comes first before everything.